Since I’ve been tapping, SO MUCH has shifted in my life. More like everything. And everything around me is changing because I’m shifting so much inside of myself. So these snippets are more like stories of my becoming, rather than like ‘Oh I manifested my dream house, job, and lover’ … which can be great outcomes of Tapping… but for me I’ve been focusing on tapping to uncover myself, to reclaim my true nature… which is in turn bringing these other wonderful physical manifestations as reflections of my inner being. Dive IN!!!
TOUCHWhoo. Just writing the word touch made me squirm a lil’. Which is progress compared to straight up repulsion. Since I’ve been tapping, I’m allowing myself to be touched again… physically and in my heart (shout out to Sonya Sophia’s mini-tap “The Art of Receiving Love”).
The fact that I even allow myself to be touched by anyone is a miracle. My body, my sacred body which has experienced so much pain, endured so many dark nights of abuse… now holds hands, give hugs (real, heart-to-heart, full on HUGS), receives affection, and even allows men to touch its most sacred, intimate parts. I allow myself to experience pleasure, especially sexual…with or without a man.
For so long, I was totally shut down and had no interest in anything sexual. I was so wounded, I wanted nothing to do with it. Life was just easier for me if I didn’t think about physical intimacy. It hurt too much. Plus I was left p*****d off when I did remember any past sexual experiences.
(Thought bubble: Ew, no. Get away from me… F**k all dudes everywhere, forever…)
It got to the point where I had multiple friends tell me they were surprised that I hadn’t already become a lesbian due to the intense and painful intimate experiences with men in the past. What the hell? That’s a thing? Even though I had been hurt by men and parts of me had given up, deeper down I knew I didn’t wanna settle, or squash hope of the love and intimacy that I truly wanted. I knew it had to be possible. And I was also terrified to move forward and open up again.
I was stuck, so I decided to be celibate until I found true love…to take the pressure off, and to really focus on my inner healing and reclaiming myself. This lasted for 7 years, and lots of Tapping and other forms of therapy helped me to reach where I am now… not completely celibate, but not desperately throwing myself at any man either.
Though it’s been coming rarely, when it does come, the love and intimacy I experience with lovers now are absolutely beautiful and sacred and mind-blowing. What I experience more often, and what’s most yummy to me, is the amazing Love I feel for myself, and that I can really love and find beauty in my body again. That I can heal the pain my body experienced in the past by touching myself lovingly and gently now. The heights of spiritual oneness and divine union. Like Whoa!!!
Being seen used to be the most excruciating thing for me. I hated people looking at me. I was convinced they were judging me, lusting for me, and throwing out all kinds of unwanted attention at me. I just wanted to be invisible… to get by without being noticed.
So I dressed like a dude to cover up my enormous titties, wore shades all the time so people couldn’t see my eyes and thereby my soul, and mostly observed things happening around me … while keeping everything that I was actually thinking, feeling, and desiring to express locked up inside of me.
Inside, I felt safer … out there, I was a victim, an object, a prey to the evil ways of others. But what I didn’t realize back then, was that withdrawing to feel safe was actually hurting me in other ways.
EFT has uncovered an abundance of insights like this which have blasted my mind, heart, and life wide open. Tapping with Sonya Sophia’s loving guidance has helped me heal past terrors and traumas of being seen by others…by bringing loving attention to and making peace with the painful experiences in childhood which created the self-destructive thought patterns. So much self-realization!!! Which is one of my most important desires … to know and be my true self.
Even though making eye contact can sometimes be really scary and uncomfortable for me now, I know it feels even better to be seen by the ones I love in those moments where my mind is freaking out.
Thought bubble: Stop looking at me!!!…I’m just gonna run and hide now…
Like in that moment during our EFT retreat and everyone was dancing… I was moving around the room but progressively getting less present and more disconnected and alone feeling… then all of a sudden Sonya Sophia was in front of me, and for a moment I looked away and tried not to feel. Then I felt how awful that felt, and I chose to look at her again. She nodded and then… my heart flew open as the tears and wails rolled out and through me.
She looked me in my eyes and gently massaged my heart space to get the emotions moving. I was terrified to connect, to let someone see how I was trying to hide from all that pain and transparency. But she saw me… and actually reached out to me. Again and again.
This happened so many times at the retreat with her and with other team love angels. She wouldn’t let me run away and hide. And that just meant the world to me. It still does. Even now, tears are flowing at remembering how loved and seen and cared for I am. I will always remember that moment, and I know so much shifted in just a few minutes of sacred space to heal and feel and express, that I am infinitely more open to love.
Now I feel safer being open and vulnerable and my true self around others, not just when I’m by myself behind closed doors. One of the biggest gifts of this is actually seeing myself with more kindness and my life with greater clarity, while feeling genuine compassion for it all. I’m better able to honor who I really am along my journey, to really FEEL myself and notice my inner world…and how I really am creating the world around me.
More and more I actually share who I am with others, rather than retreating inside of myself and disconnecting when I feel vulnerable and exposed.
A big thing for me is allowing others to see me cry (which I had stopped doing during my childhood), and even reaching out for help, which I feel is a form of asking to be seen. Like, “Hey, look at me! I need help! Or acknowledgement, care, love … “. This is so new to me, often scary, and really amazing compared to where I used to be… stuck, terrified, numb, shut down, cold, isolated, far far away like star wars haha.
This was an inner war as I was suffering on autopilot, repeatedly pushing love away, putting frigid walls up to keep others out (my niece pointed at me every time the ice queen/older sister in the movie “Frozen” came on the screen), and disconnecting from actually feeling life and some sense of connection or belonging. Whew. *Breathe* I love and accept myself. Oh, I can say that and truly mean it. Awww Yeah!!!
FREEI now relish in personal freedom from the burdens of other peoples’ expectations, judgments, reactions, etc. of me. I’m at that point where I’m like… I’m too old for this s**t, I just don’t give a f**k. Haha, for real though I spent too much of my life being a slave physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically while my inner fire slowly burned out. Indian culture can be very controlling and restrictive, so from before I was born I was held hostage and never free to choose for myself what’s right and what actually feels good.
As a female, I was expected to cook and clean and serve others, and to always put others first no matter the price I paid. I was taught that I was lazy, selfish, spoiled, and a shame upon the family if I didn’t want to do what was forced upon me. And that I have to struggle, sacrifice, and work really hard to be loved or blessed by god. I was never allowed to chill, have fun, or take time and space to heal (if I was sick as a child, my Maa always made me go to school).
Instead of spending time with the few friends I had during high school, I experienced forced family time which made me feel more emo and suicidal than ever. I felt hopelessly trapped…drowning in sorrow. And forget my personal power, it was long gone.
Not being able to say NO led to slavery, manipulation, rape, and all kinds of abuse and pain. My parents made it clear that just because they were my parents: I was obligated to them and their will, I owed them for everything including my very existence and well-being, and I had to earn whatever I wanted with good grades or cleaning the whole house.
I spent my childhood and teenage years walking on egg shells so as not to p**s them off, and too scared to ask for what I really wanted. I feared being ridiculed, shamed (punishment: being locked up alone and naked in cold, dark room as a young child), yelled at (aka. Verbal/psychological/emotional abuse), attacked (almost being burned alive by altar candle and strangled by mother), or that I’d lose their love or be cut off from their support.
(Messages relayed to young me: Love, care, support is conditional. I’m a burden. My needs, my presence are a burden. Asking for what I want is selfish and bad. I will die if I speak up. … Oh dear.)
With tapping I am getting my energy, power, and will to live, freely back. I always wondered why I’d been feeling tired and fatigued all my life, but I get now that I’ve been at war with myself.
All of my energy was being drained by a massive inner conflict of who I know I am and who my parents expected me to be. I struggled with split personality and keeping track of all the masks put on for others. I learned to hide who I really am ’til I forgot…became a robot. My inner child was constantly screaming: What about me? What about what I want? Who am I? … What do I want? I’m almost 30 now and it was recently that I asked myself this for the first time, like for real, no holding back… what do you want?
I’ve been reflecting on this with all the self-awareness I’ve cultivated through tapping and my journey of becoming who I really am and fulfilling what I came here to. Remembering that it’s my life, I can create whatever I want, I’m free now… What do I want? Who do I wanna be? It feels good to say I know myself… that even while I’m continually evolving, I have awareness of my true nature.
Through tapping I’ve remembered how to listen, which most of us do naturally as children guided by source impulses but forget along the way. I pay more attention to how I feel, and actually care enough to do something differently when I do feel bad or off, rather than ignoring and denying the emotional information. My red flag radar is sharp as a tack!
EFT with Sonya Sophia is showing me how to gently and gracefully tune into and respond to my emotions more healthily and lovingly. Like real, unconditional Love. In every way, I feel stronger, more capable, and more resilient. I live most moments in ease, peace, clarity, balance, and alignment. I have the courage to be who I really am and to live my highest dreams. I know truly that I am worthy, I am good, I am innocent. Beauty and Love are Shining from within. Swag!!!
I can feel my heart again. I mean really feel and sense my own sweet heart. This soft, strong, warm energy that radiates, swirls, dances around and within and in front of my physical heart space. That knows, guides, expands, heals, and speaks lovingly to me. I can feel my own heartbeat and know that I am truly alive.
All these years, I was just dead inside, too weary and shut down to really feel and live. I was desperately clutching onto a glimmer of hope that love existed for me. Though I hadn’t felt it yet, I knew it had to, or else why the f*** was I here on Earth?
Tapping has helped me to actually create, allow, and experience the love that I was so desperately seeking in the people and world around me. I’ve found it within and for myself, which is the yummiest place in my opinion. Most days I feel truly happy and blessed to be alive, and this is after years of depression and planning my exit strategies from the Earth plane. Now, I sometimes have glimpses of those dark times and vibes… but they are just glimpses, not my everyday vision. I got my love glasses on now, hehe. Turn UP!!!
Message to Sonya Sophia: “You being you… and sharing you with all of us… is life-changing.”